Song of Solomon 3:1-3
1 All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
‘Have you seen the one my heart loves?’
Where did you go...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, guys, you're laying there in bed, wondering what on earth you have done now? Why isn't she loving you as you want her to? as she used to? What's her problem now?! "That time of the month"? Again?! Why can't she be that happy-go-lucky, fun girl you fell in love with?
Well, here's the thing: When you were trying to win 'her' over, you went out of your way to make her feel special. You told her how lovely or how beautiful she looked. You brought her gifts for no reason. You took her out to dinner. Remember those longs walks? those intimate chats? the way you looked her in the eye when you touched her?
Well, chances are you don't do that anymore.
Whether it was programmed into us when we were little girls or whether God wired it into our natures when He created us in our mother's wombs, we have a need to feel special. Out of all the women there are in the world, so many we just can't compete with on the playground, in the classroom, in the workplace, in the adverts and so on, we want and have this in-built need to have one guy, our guy, make us feel special.
And it's not that we want you to invent things about us, or paint a false image of us and try to convince us that's who we are. No, we just want to know you see us and you like what you see. Is that too much to ask for? We don't want you to convince us we're special, we want to see that you know we are and then live accordingly.
But how does one live accordingly? Do you pamper us daily? Do you buy us diamonds and chocolates and flowers everyday? Do you whip off your coat and lay it in a puddle for us to step over? Well, you can if you'd like, and we'd certainly appreciate it - especially the 'chocolate' bit ;), but you don't have to work that hard or that constantly. All you really have to do is see us. Every time we're together, see us. Give some kind of sign that you can see 'her'. New haircut? New jeans? New book? Hard day? And listen. Watch her lips. Look into her eyes. Sense her heart - the one you fell in love with is still there! And just listen.
When you look at her, she's not asking you to find her feet and bow at them. She's just asking, "Do you see me? the real me? Not the wife, not the mum, not the woman in your bed, but me? I'm still here."
Chances are, without her even knowing it, she's scared of getting lost beneath all the hats she has to wear. Life is calling her to do 'this' and do 'that'. Her family needs her. Her children need her. Some sort of work needs her. Friends have expectations. 'They' have agendas she needs to meet. She looks in the mirror and sees a mess but hasn't the time to fix it as well as she would like before she has to run off and be what 'they', or what you, expect her to be. So many expectations. So many demands. And we won't even get started on how insecure she feels after seeing those advertisements that you seemed glued to, nor will we mention how inadequate life often makes her feel. Oh, and then there's the woman behind the eyes she would rather not add make-up to, the one who told her life would be easier than this, life would have more beauty and joy and love and time for her than this.
Can you see that look in her eye, at least? The one of disappointment?
It's quite possible that you have seen the look of disappointment in her eyes, and rather than be the hero of her dreams you've put up your defenses and privately hissed, "What have I done now!" Maybe it wasn't you - did you ever stop to think of that? Maybe it was her family, her friends, the work she has to tend to, the fears of the future, the lost dreams of the past, the face in the mirror, and more. But then in you come, charging at her with your wall of self-protection, ready to defend your ego to the death, and she sees it coming and knowing there is no one else to defend her, knowing there is no one else to protect the vulnerability and tenderness of her heart, she has to rise up and fight back. She protects her already bruised heart, and her 'mood' is increased greatly as she strikes back because inside she knows that she knows that she knows YOU should be on her side; you should be fighting the demons, or the fire-breathing dragons; you should be the hero she needs.
Don't you remember...? It was your love that gave her strength to face the world, to do what she had to do, to be herself...
Something inside her tells her to be feminine. It tells her that her heart should be soft. She should be kind and loving and merciful. And she wants to be. God, how she wants to be. But there was that time of abuse when she was younger that broke her heart in ways you cannot imagine. Then there were those teen years when the cruel words of her peers, and so-called friends, cut her deeper than anyone has ever been able to see. And then there's that realisation that forced her to grow up - be it forced on her by 'his' hand or 'their' hand or 'Life's' hand, the realisation that told her fairy-tales were for kids; the realisation that all but crippled her heart. She had to work hard then, to protect that soft part of her heart.
But while she worked to protect the softer part of her heart as best she could, by covering it with whatever worked best - be it anger or food or whatever - she secretly hoped, watching from that soft part of her heart - the real part of her - that her hero would come. Secretly, she dared to hope; she watched and waited for that someone to come and release her from her tower, that prison, and, after slaying her dragons, set her free. And then came you.
She dared to trust you. She dared to love you. She dared to open up the prison gates and let you in. And why? Because you saw her. You saw the real her. You saw her, and somehow you made her believe that it was her that you wanted. You made her feel special. Or, should I say, you recognised what made her special. Quite possibly, you are the only one who has ever really seen her - or so it feels to her.
However, life goes on, doesn't it. The business, and busyness, of this day and age starts to creep in and the honeymoon period starts to wear off. And, if you've married her, well, you've got the girl, she's got the ring, what more needs to be said, or done, right?!
Seriously? Did you really think she wouldn't return to that tower, to her inner prison, if you, the hero of her story, proved to be no different than everyone else?
Where is she now, guys? Where is your princess? Have you seen her lately? Is she under the washing? Off chasing the kids? Wondering what you want for dinner? Wearing 'that body' you wish she'd exchange for the one in the Photoshopped ads? Being made to feel inadequate by her family, her friends, her church, her job, those advertisements, the way you appreciate how that other woman looks? Is she standing before the mirror wondering where life went? where love went? where her dreams went? Is she giving up caring because she feels there's no hope for finding that love she always wanted, because she's married?
Guys, can I just tell you that there is no lonelier place for a woman than in a married bed that is shared with someone who doesn't 'see' her. Never has she felt so unloved, lost, or alone than she does there. Oh, she may give into your advances sometimes, but that may be because for at least one night - or one hour, or for one 'quickie!' she can pretend she's really loved and wanted and special. But then you roll over and off to sleep you go, and she lays there, with tears, knowing the 'hero of her dreams' will never find her because she's already got a ring on her finger. Unlike with single women, she doesn't have the luxury of hoping and praying for true love to find her. This is it. This is as good as it gets.
Can you see her, guys? She's in there. She may not trust you to get that close to her just now, and that because you couldn't be bothered making her feel special now that she has you. Hey, you were her reward, right? Your special self? You with all your faults and shortcomings and hang-ups and so on. You were her prize. She couldn't do better, right?
Well, if that is your attitude, she can do a lot better. But, ya know, she doesn't want to. She got with you, is with you, married you, because she loved you. Unlike the rest of us, she did see your special self. She saw your heart. She saw you. And she loved you with all that she was. And she wants to share that love, and the joy and freedom that comes with such a love, again. With you. But she's sitting there right now, wondering where you went.
Well, here's the thing: When you were trying to win 'her' over, you went out of your way to make her feel special. You told her how lovely or how beautiful she looked. You brought her gifts for no reason. You took her out to dinner. Remember those longs walks? those intimate chats? the way you looked her in the eye when you touched her?
Well, chances are you don't do that anymore.
Whether it was programmed into us when we were little girls or whether God wired it into our natures when He created us in our mother's wombs, we have a need to feel special. Out of all the women there are in the world, so many we just can't compete with on the playground, in the classroom, in the workplace, in the adverts and so on, we want and have this in-built need to have one guy, our guy, make us feel special.
And it's not that we want you to invent things about us, or paint a false image of us and try to convince us that's who we are. No, we just want to know you see us and you like what you see. Is that too much to ask for? We don't want you to convince us we're special, we want to see that you know we are and then live accordingly.
But how does one live accordingly? Do you pamper us daily? Do you buy us diamonds and chocolates and flowers everyday? Do you whip off your coat and lay it in a puddle for us to step over? Well, you can if you'd like, and we'd certainly appreciate it - especially the 'chocolate' bit ;), but you don't have to work that hard or that constantly. All you really have to do is see us. Every time we're together, see us. Give some kind of sign that you can see 'her'. New haircut? New jeans? New book? Hard day? And listen. Watch her lips. Look into her eyes. Sense her heart - the one you fell in love with is still there! And just listen.
When you look at her, she's not asking you to find her feet and bow at them. She's just asking, "Do you see me? the real me? Not the wife, not the mum, not the woman in your bed, but me? I'm still here."
Chances are, without her even knowing it, she's scared of getting lost beneath all the hats she has to wear. Life is calling her to do 'this' and do 'that'. Her family needs her. Her children need her. Some sort of work needs her. Friends have expectations. 'They' have agendas she needs to meet. She looks in the mirror and sees a mess but hasn't the time to fix it as well as she would like before she has to run off and be what 'they', or what you, expect her to be. So many expectations. So many demands. And we won't even get started on how insecure she feels after seeing those advertisements that you seemed glued to, nor will we mention how inadequate life often makes her feel. Oh, and then there's the woman behind the eyes she would rather not add make-up to, the one who told her life would be easier than this, life would have more beauty and joy and love and time for her than this.
Can you see that look in her eye, at least? The one of disappointment?
It's quite possible that you have seen the look of disappointment in her eyes, and rather than be the hero of her dreams you've put up your defenses and privately hissed, "What have I done now!" Maybe it wasn't you - did you ever stop to think of that? Maybe it was her family, her friends, the work she has to tend to, the fears of the future, the lost dreams of the past, the face in the mirror, and more. But then in you come, charging at her with your wall of self-protection, ready to defend your ego to the death, and she sees it coming and knowing there is no one else to defend her, knowing there is no one else to protect the vulnerability and tenderness of her heart, she has to rise up and fight back. She protects her already bruised heart, and her 'mood' is increased greatly as she strikes back because inside she knows that she knows that she knows YOU should be on her side; you should be fighting the demons, or the fire-breathing dragons; you should be the hero she needs.
Don't you remember...? It was your love that gave her strength to face the world, to do what she had to do, to be herself...
Something inside her tells her to be feminine. It tells her that her heart should be soft. She should be kind and loving and merciful. And she wants to be. God, how she wants to be. But there was that time of abuse when she was younger that broke her heart in ways you cannot imagine. Then there were those teen years when the cruel words of her peers, and so-called friends, cut her deeper than anyone has ever been able to see. And then there's that realisation that forced her to grow up - be it forced on her by 'his' hand or 'their' hand or 'Life's' hand, the realisation that told her fairy-tales were for kids; the realisation that all but crippled her heart. She had to work hard then, to protect that soft part of her heart.
But while she worked to protect the softer part of her heart as best she could, by covering it with whatever worked best - be it anger or food or whatever - she secretly hoped, watching from that soft part of her heart - the real part of her - that her hero would come. Secretly, she dared to hope; she watched and waited for that someone to come and release her from her tower, that prison, and, after slaying her dragons, set her free. And then came you.
She dared to trust you. She dared to love you. She dared to open up the prison gates and let you in. And why? Because you saw her. You saw the real her. You saw her, and somehow you made her believe that it was her that you wanted. You made her feel special. Or, should I say, you recognised what made her special. Quite possibly, you are the only one who has ever really seen her - or so it feels to her.
However, life goes on, doesn't it. The business, and busyness, of this day and age starts to creep in and the honeymoon period starts to wear off. And, if you've married her, well, you've got the girl, she's got the ring, what more needs to be said, or done, right?!
Seriously? Did you really think she wouldn't return to that tower, to her inner prison, if you, the hero of her story, proved to be no different than everyone else?
Where is she now, guys? Where is your princess? Have you seen her lately? Is she under the washing? Off chasing the kids? Wondering what you want for dinner? Wearing 'that body' you wish she'd exchange for the one in the Photoshopped ads? Being made to feel inadequate by her family, her friends, her church, her job, those advertisements, the way you appreciate how that other woman looks? Is she standing before the mirror wondering where life went? where love went? where her dreams went? Is she giving up caring because she feels there's no hope for finding that love she always wanted, because she's married?
Guys, can I just tell you that there is no lonelier place for a woman than in a married bed that is shared with someone who doesn't 'see' her. Never has she felt so unloved, lost, or alone than she does there. Oh, she may give into your advances sometimes, but that may be because for at least one night - or one hour, or for one 'quickie!' she can pretend she's really loved and wanted and special. But then you roll over and off to sleep you go, and she lays there, with tears, knowing the 'hero of her dreams' will never find her because she's already got a ring on her finger. Unlike with single women, she doesn't have the luxury of hoping and praying for true love to find her. This is it. This is as good as it gets.
Can you see her, guys? She's in there. She may not trust you to get that close to her just now, and that because you couldn't be bothered making her feel special now that she has you. Hey, you were her reward, right? Your special self? You with all your faults and shortcomings and hang-ups and so on. You were her prize. She couldn't do better, right?
Well, if that is your attitude, she can do a lot better. But, ya know, she doesn't want to. She got with you, is with you, married you, because she loved you. Unlike the rest of us, she did see your special self. She saw your heart. She saw you. And she loved you with all that she was. And she wants to share that love, and the joy and freedom that comes with such a love, again. With you. But she's sitting there right now, wondering where you went.